"Why People Don't Heal" - Caroline Myss

The key to healing is forgiveness. There is nothing logical or orderly about healing. There is nothing logical about forgiveness but you have to do it. You will never want to forgive, but after you have done it, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself and afterwards it will have seemed so easy.

Many people don’t want to heal, because their wound is a form of “social currency” in which they use it with others for control and connection. Thus it becomes an addiction, excuse, etc. to avoid self-responsibility and change.

Our wounds are ways of connecting, controlling and communicating with others [e.g. cords].

Investing energy in the past is like trying to make a corpse come alive. Wounds and keeping them going is incredibly self-destructive, but unfortunately it is very socially acceptable. From about the 1960’s and the ME generation this has developed. At the same time society’s definition of intimacy has changed greatly (people are ok to connect and share very intimate details with others even with no previous relationship).

Previous generations would suppress the self for the group/tribe/community – not say that this is the healthy way. Looking at this aspect of wounds allows us to see the shadow side of the self-help movement. Wounds are socially being used (on this shadow side) in a powerful way to not heal. When people want to discover who they are, they many times first look at hurt instead of what they want/their strengths and talents/what they can already do/etc. [Look at Emo culture where depression, self-mutilation, and other destructive energies/emotions/actions has now been glamorized into a fashion. The one with the biggest depression and/or expression of pain gets to get the most attention.] Others’ genuine feelings just don’t get time, space or validity around those using wounds. Clinging to wounds, letting yourself be controlled by others’ wounds, etc. are all a part of this.

Someone might say, “I would like to change (move on, take responsibility, do what I promised, etc.).” but they don’t. Ultimately they do not want to heal themselves as their wounds allow them to socially say “back off/ don’t blame me / just one more drink / its not really my fault because …”. For example someone who once the crisis has passed/ended consistently looses their temper, manipulates, uses others, acts irresponsible, etc. will just pull out their wound as the ultimate excuse. Culturally it has become incredibly popular to use wounds.

We are ultimately responsible for our health and we can heal ourselves. You are in a constant state of gaining or losing your own life force/power/personal energy.

Negative judgment and negative action costs you a lot of physical energy (in addition to mental, emotional and spiritual). Negative intentions and judgment is not in line with you as a spirit. Every thought-form, action, feeling, etc. on this level pulls energy that does not replenish from god, the universe, etc. This energy must come from you and you finance it with the energy from the cells of your body.

The head (intellect/analyzer) is NOT the center of your energy system: it is the heart that is the center. From your heart’s point of view, you are the only one who has ever been victimized, hurt and have never hurt others. Because of these beliefs, forgiveness is the ‘eye of the needle’. Once you can open your heart to this realization, healing becomes possible.

Once you have forgiven, so many possibilities open up to you that were blocked or stuck with refusal to heal yourself. Truth is the reward for forgiveness, as well, the reward is we get our life force back to use it to create instead of just staying static or maintaining our wounds. We are afraid to forgive because we know our lives will change faster – faster than we think that we can handle. So we hold onto pain from the past as a way of avoiding possible pain from the future. By holding onto wounds, it gives you the “belief” that you can control the speed at which change occurs. This comforting thought of control is an illusion; it only supports us holding onto our wounds.

Lies that we tell Ourselves

1.     My life is defined by my wounds. Not true. People will look for wounds in others to keep wounds going or create situations in their lives that can sustain or repeat the wounds.

2.     If you are healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually), then you are alone; as no wounds are there for you to connect/communicate/control with others. Without the wounds how would you connect with others? You can connect with others but it will be with those who are not addicted to their wounds or with the same people but in a different way. So the real fear is not connecting with the same people who are also addicted to their wounds.

3.     Pain is the enemy. Not true for pain is a guiding force. Instead of resisting pain, look at pain as one language of how your body is communicating with you and honor that.

4.     All physical illness is caused by negativity. No, that is not always the cause or case.

5.     True change (the big things) are not really possible. Not true: what is true is that with major change, you will become a very different person. The fear of the unknown (what will I do, who will be my friends, will I still have this family, where will I live, etc.) is the real reason major change is avoided by most. [Nothing other, mortal or immortal (God), can do the work for us, but the willingness to change is an essential prerequisite. This may sound too obvious: if we weren't willing to change, why would we be in recovery? Yet this is one of the most difficult steps of all. Old patterns were put there for a reason -- they are part of an outmoded survival strategy. Being ready to let go of what we once truly needed is as scary as jumping off a cliff, and very similar in that there is a period of time where we are in free-fall, when we have to let go of something old before we can get something new, before we even know what we are replacing it with.]

 

Healing Requires

1.     Put attention to your wounds. Don’t resist them. You must look at and feel them.

2.     Forgiveness

3.     Self-honor and self-respect; keep your word to your body and yourself.

4.     Stay in the present time and actively manage your energy.

5 Steps to Managing Physical Health

1.     Force yourself to forgive. It is the only way forward in that forgiving others, you will also forgive yourself.

2.     Redefine healing: it is not perfection/perfect pictures; it is an everyday task and the challenge is to walk through each day with making the small choices as well as the big ones as part of a continual process.

3.     Have others witness/listen to your wounds from neutrality 3 times, then let it go. After the third time it will not necessarily be easier but you will have been validated and heard. [We need the reflection of a friend, a coworker, partner or therapist to accurately get the intelligent perspective sought in the previous step. We are by nature blind to our own programming, so another perspective is necessary to help us see.]

4.     Stop asking “why?”. Stop needing to analyze and understand “before” you can move forward. Understanding why will provide information but it will still not release the addictions to wounds.

5.     Chart a future course / life path that is far from your wounds.